369 A Talk

 

No matter how good one’s acting was, there was someone whom he could never fool and that was himself. After one got used to play-acting at happiness, the optimism would become like a set of clothes, only by putting it on that one would have the courage to leave the house. The young man was surprised by what Han Fei said, it resonated deeply with him.

As a rather famous comedy actor, he had to act happy always before the public but no one knew that while he had managed to make everyone laugh, he was unable to make himself smile. “Have you seen the messages inside my phone?”

Han Fei knew what the man was talking about so he nodded. Noting the admittance by Han Fei, the young man sighed in relief. It was as if he could finally shed the disguise. It was getting too tiring for him too. “A comedy actor who brings the world happiness thinks about ending himself every night, it is quite ironic.”

The young man looked at the few medicine bottles that were left on the coffee table. He didn’t want to hide anything before Han Fei anymore. It was a strange feeling. It felt as if this stranger had a similar experience as he did and they were kindred spirits.

Neither of the men said anything until the dirge sounded outside the room. The chilly wind blew into the room through the half open window. The young man shivered but he didn’t move to close the window. Instead he looked out at the night sky as if the boy was there winking at him.

“I have a question, I hope you don’t mind me asking.” Han Fei looked at the comedy actor who was way too similar to him.

“Go on.”

“You have already gained everything you ever dreamt of and fulfilled all of your dreams so why can’t you smile?” Han Fei was really curious. The comedy actor in Room 4064 was like another version of himself, the version who had not encountered Perfect Life and had succeeded in life based on hard work.

“I lost my smile when I was young so I believe smiles are the most important thing in the world. It was why I wanted to make the world smile, seeing their smiling faces, perhaps I too can regain my lost smile, or at least that was what I thought at the start.” The young man adjusted his emotions. “But that was unfortunately not the case. I was an extra for a very long time. I have no outstanding appearance or hefty connections so to shine among the many competitions, I have to work harder. I tried many jokes and comedies but people refused to laugh, it was like they could see through me and know that I am a boring person inside.”

“Then how did you catch your big break?”

“It was a complete accident when I was in a play. The prop team made some mistakes and built the stage smaller than it was written on the script. No one told me about the change and I acted according to the script. I was moving backwards and before I knew it, I slipped off the edge. The stage was 7 metres off the ground but thankfully I was wearing a safety harness so the injury wasn’t serious. However, the audience found it quite dramatic that a serious actor suddenly disappeared from the stage. I was strung in the air like a tortoise and that was the first time someone laughed watching my performance.” Looking at the movie posters on the wall, the smile on the young man’s face froze.

“I knew the audience didn’t mean any malice at the time, so I thought it was not bad being a weeping clown. That was what I told myself, but it only got me even more anxious. Every night I stayed up late thinking about new ways to make people laugh. Gradually it affected my sleep. It was like someone had flipped a switch in my mind. Starting from that night, the world was shrouded in a grey mist.” The young man was used to maintaining a smile before another person. His facial muscles had remembered that feeling so even if he was not happy, he was smiling.

“Perhaps you should consider becoming a horror actor.” Han Fei suggested sincerely but the young man shook his head. In a way, he was as stubborn as Han Fei. “I didn’t become a comedy actor because I like to act. It is because I like to see people smile that I train so hard to be a comedy actor.”

While they conversed, the young man’s phone kept vibrating. The members from the Happiness Neighbourhood group didn’t chat in the group, they didn’t want the chat group to be leaden with negative emotions. Instead they pm-ed the young man to ask about him.

The light from the screen lit up the young man’s face as he patiently replied to the people one by one. Han Fei stood beside the young man and observed him. It felt like he was looking into a mirror. With the guidance from the previous manager, Han Fei became the building manager for Happiness Neighbourhood Building 1. Even though his life was constantly at risk, he tried his best to save the tenants at Happiness Neighbourhood. The cryptic world was forever engulfed in darkness. In the endless darkness, Han Fei was like a barely noticeable firefly.

“I’m sorry, there are too many things to deal with today.” The young man apologized to Han Fei before he returned to his phone. Perhaps people would think that he was doing something that was totally meaningless. But at the same time, it was because there were people who were insistent on doing these meaningless things that those who were close to choosing to leave the world would have second thoughts. This was not an issue of right or wrong. They merely understood something that most could not because they had been touched by the same problem.

Certain people, you were meeting them for the last time, you merely didn’t realize that.

The young man used 20 minutes to reply to all the messages. He was sincere with everyone inside the group. He didn’t show any sign of impatience, it was like the words that he saved in real life, he poured all of them into the chats with the people in the group. “The members of the Happiness Neighbourhood chat group are mostly patients. They are hiding in this corner of the world and lean on each other for warmth to survive the chill in their hearts. The only thing I can do for them is to help them secure this little piece of the world.”

“Is that the reason you used to convince yourself to keep on living?” Han Fei’s words were not gentle. Actually this was the first time he used this tone to talk to a ‘ghost’ inside the cryptic world.

“The reason to keep on living?” The young man shook his head. “I am not afraid of death and I do not need a reason to keep on living.”

“Death is not scary, the scary thing is not living. The saddest thing in the world is seeing someone already preparing to die before he even has the chance to really live. Opportunities in life do not come that often, once you miss them, they will never return. You won’t even have the time to feel regret.” Han Fei looked at the man. He was persuading the comedy actor but it also felt like he was conversing with himself from the past. He never had a chance like this before, a chance for him to face his own soul, the chance to have a heart-to-heart with his own self.

With regards to whether Perfect Life was really an Iyashikei game, Han Fei thought he had already decided on an answer but now his mind started to change again.